The change that happened, somewhat…!

My mother is a very bullish proponent of liberation of women from the shackles of domestic traditionalism. And on occasion I am fairly positive that the change that drives her hopes and dreams may have actually made the mainstream family re-think and redo the archaic way of life that plagued our society for the longest time; a way that basically treats the women as, very crudely put, ornamentations worthy of shrouding in the dark or be the center of a trophy display.

In her personal and professional life, my mother continues to fight this rather crude and dusty way of life on a day to day basis. Very often looking from the outside in, you would feel her optimism with the number of women who are stepping out of the shadows of domestic walls and making a mark with their contributions across the board. Very recently however, I had the opportunity to get an inside view into what is currently branded as the traditional family structure. And I was very saddened to know that, in spite of the great progresses we have made economically and socially, the expectations from a woman within the household has changed very little.

More often than not, this rigid, coarse and ritualistic structure is aligned with “Indian culture” and justified as the way things have been! If things were to be the way they have been then the barter system is holy and everything that is instrumental in making us civilized is a sinful addition to the quiver. And yet, we enjoy the fruits of modernization looking only from the outside in as long as the waves do not disturb the shores that lead into the inside of the home. Because sitting on the outside, for these grumpy (a better phrasing is against family reading values) men who drive the rules in the rural and semi-urban traditionalistic social structure, it is easy to criticize and get away with it since no one who matters in the real world is not around to challenge the perspectives that gave us the caste system, such mean practices as the Sati and countless other atrocities that have been meted out in the name of religion, tradition or just “the way it has been”. When it needs to be driven inside the boundaries of the house the journey to the modern perspective is one that needs the embracing of a certain set of inconveniences and essentially a spine that can stand straight and rebuke naysayers.

The most cited argument in favor of traditionalism as an enforced value, as against a free choice, is that of cultural roots. Culture can, and has been defined as, the quality in a person or society that arises from a concern for what is regarded as excellent in arts, letters, manners, scholarly pursuits, etc. One of the definitions I really like is one presented by Merriam-Webster and goes as “the integrated pattern of human knowledge, belief, and behavior that depends upon the capacity for learning and transmitting knowledge to succeeding generations.” The dependency upon the “capacity for learning and transmitting knowledge…” is the key of this definition. What we seem to have missed is the capacity for learning which entails the ability to learn from the ambient world and adopt for prosperous survival. We have only stuck to the coat tails of transmitting knowledge, once created and disseminated as per the necessities of the time.

I have always believed that the traditional role of the woman, as it once was, was an outcome of the need to survive and propagate. Driven by the need of evolution in harsh conditions, without the support of modern facilities, medicines and a law & order scenario that ensures the safety and heightened chances of survival of the offspring, it was necessary to have defined gender roles based on physical capability. That was then. We learned and adopted and it seems to me that we have forgotten our capacity to adopt ever since.

There has been change on the outside and yet, here we are standing in the 21^st century, life for women in a traditional family structure continues to be a struggle, battling against the expectations from the traditional definitions that tend to want to push her into the confines of what, we men, so blatantly term as laaj and sharam. In truth, I have never been so ashamed to be a man standing in this theatrical folly that has adopted selectively and stuck on to the threads, based solely on affected conveniences. No wonder our society, and all alike ours, see such high statistics when it comes to violence against women! In this struggle between the ancient past and the beckoning future our sense of morality has warped to shapelessness. We still hang on to the narrow perspectives of ghungats and pardahs and also, to satisfy the need for prosperity, expect our women to earn and supplement incomes. Is this the price we pay, as a society, for a culture that we have only inherited and failed to add and demolish based on ambient times?

The Indian Micro-Society (the chawl) in USA

I very recently observed very closely a strange phenomenon in the US of A among the people who moved from India to the US to work on myriad combinations of Visas. The interesting combination of attempts to fit in with the culture by resorting to beer and wine as the preferred beverages with the urgent need to protect the identity of origin is often a complex exhibition that is almost a new culture in itself – very often regarded as a “confused desi” culture, this way of life is a constant evolution of perspective. And the revolution in styles of living back home in the sub-continent is probably the most affected fall outs of this perspective.

What has changed? Indians (and our neighbors from Bangladesh, Pakistan and Sri-Lanka) have been migrating throughout the history, predominantly in search for the “better life” out west. These old timers who now are grand parents and even great-grandparents formed the infrastructure and basis for the phenomenal rise in immigrant and non-immigrant alien workers from the sub-continent, viz. businesses and facilities customized for the community. Ranging from Indian flavored pizzas to theatres screening our favorite flicks from Bollywood. The change is in the kind of people who have moved here not in search for a better life in the west (which very often meant a movement from under-developed towards rich) to those who have a good life to earning means to a better life back home. Therein lies the change.

Our new age community comprises of a demography that is educated and have well paying jobs back home and do not aim to settle down in US. We all have plans to go back home sooner than later. Our sojourn to the US is really to pay for the house we will go back and settle in, the comfort we want to lay out for our immediate family  and from what is left fund the car and the education for children (looking into the future here) This, I believe, is what really is the factor that has changed the way the “confused desi” interacts with the environment. The need to mingle and yet hold onto the identity has crafted a behavioral pattern that is quite unique. Some of the very distinct indications, we would hate to say ‘yes we do’ (and laughed upon) to are actually derived from this very outlook.

• You will know you are in a neighborhood with the new age immigrant when you see Toyota’s (specifically the Camry and Corolla) and the Honda Civics, often beaten down from years and many hands of ownership. It may be an uncomfortable ride but as long as it gives you a good mileage and has some possibility of a resale value, it is practical and makes sense.
• Friday nights are reserved almost exclusively for "poker nights” and I can bet my money on the fact that within the boundary of three or four apartment groups there will be at least 10 households hosting a poker party. If you are in uptown city, then you may also be inviting the natives (in this context citizens of US).
• Between 3 PM and 5 PM, depending on the work culture of the pre-dominant client for whom most of the chawl dwellers will be working, you will see a range of kids, wives and ‘work-from-home’rs hanging out and communicating wishes and jokes from their respective balconies and windows. I at my wife’s who would pool to office with her colleagues and the only way I knew she was back was the sudden rise of noise levels (almost cacophonic) in an otherwise quiet neighborhood.
• Walk into the chawl in America and there is a ‘mix-of-spices’ smell that will intoxicate and lure you in. In India (and the subcontinent) one will not feel the sharp distinctness of the fragrance because it is commonplace. In the land of the bland food where jalapeno passes for spicy, this grip of spices is extremely characteristic.
• The local WalMart will have fresh food in plenty of varieties you will see limited stock elsewhere, and vice versa. Where the average American will expect to see fresh broccoli and iceberg lettuce, the WalMart will have wider and deeper stock of cabbages, cauliflower and ladies-fingers. The shelves of Great Value items are wider and definitely have the most to offer.
• Search through the garbage and you can tell if the chawl is dominated by population from the sub-continent – you will find every bag dominated by empty packets of Maggi (these days they put the label Indian noodles trying to expand the consumer base), Brook Bond tea and Parle-G biscuits.
• There will be regional music definitely and in the midst you will still hear forgotten tunes (popular back home still) dating back to the ages of The Beatles, Elvis and ranging up to the eon of Boy/Girl Bands.
• Take a count of the iPhones and you will find out every household will have at least 2 – one for use and the other waiting for the contract to be served and shipped back as gifts to India. Other common gadgets that are a great sell (I even saw special sales campaigns aimed at the community) and widely bought are Vonage, Dish TV (another indicator of the presence from the sub-continent) and in most places Bose speakers or headsets.

These are some of the many distinctive objects that define our way of life as we adopt to the culture of the west while trying to keep true to our roots. I hope I have not in any way derogated the perspective as I am a firm believer and proud citizen of the community myself. I however was amused at the predictability and believe that there is a commonness and rationale behind what is very wrongly denoted as “confused desi” culture. There is nothing confused about the way we make our choices.

The rhyme and reason behind what may appear as idiosyncrasies is very well defined and even worth a detailed study (this I am sure many of the sellers are busy undertaking). From the Indian store stocking on rare masalas (spices) and products that even fail to sell in metropolitan cities back home (Tiger Balm, Dantmanjan, etc.)  to the variety of restaurants with diverse tastes claiming to be authentic Indian food, we have it very well established and deep rooted.

No matter how harsh the immigration policies get, we are well over a billion back home and we are here to stay and grow. And provide you the cherished Chicken Tikka Masala, Mango Lassi and support your IT systems for generations.